Guilt
by MB86
Summary: Sheppard tries to cope with the guilt after a mission goes wrong.


**A/N:** This idea had been bouncing around in my head for some time but I never had time to write it down but finally had a slow week at school and well...here it is. Hope you enjoy it.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters just borrowing them for the purpose of this story.

**Guilt**

The room was dark except for the golden afternoon sunshine that shone brightly through the slivers of the closed curtains.

John sat on the edge of his bed, his head buried in his hands, alone in the semi darkness. The mission had turned into a disaster and two great soldiers had been lost. He had lost men before but this mission had been worse because he had almost lost his whole team, the people he had come to care about the most. His family.

He sighed heavily as he fell back onto his bed. He watched as the sun played funny shadows on the ceiling, making no particular shapes. He closed his eyes and the sight of Ronon, Teyla and Rodney on the control room floor, unconscious flashed in his mind. He groaned and opened his eyes. The night was not going to be a good one, he knew that it was going to be another restless and sleepless night. The only solution that he had was to go for a run and wear himself out.

He ran until the burning pain in his side became unbearable, he lost track of how far he had gone, only focusing on his breathing and the sound of his trainers hitting the floor. As he finally paid attention to his surroundings he found himself on the edge of one of the many piers of the city. He took a drink of water from the water bottle he had brought along and felt the cool liquid slowly make its way down his throat. He looked out toward the water, focusing on the horizon and listening to the small waves crashing against the metal of the pier.

The air became cooler and dark, gray clouds approached but he didn't care. There was no hurry to get anywhere and he just wanted to be alone. He continued to look out as he let the guilt finally take a hold of him. He was responsible for his team, he had to make sure that they were safe no matter what but he had failed and as a result his team was in the infirmary. He was the only one that had managed to come out unharmed and that only added to his guilt, _he_ should have been the one in the infirmary not them.

As he closed his eyes he thought back to the mission, the explosions, the bullets whizzing by and his own voice yelling orders. His panicked voice as he saw his team fall through the gate, not sure about the extent of their injuries. He tried to hold back the enemy but he felt outnumbered and at a disadvantage, he couldn't see where they were coming from. As soon as he made sure that everyone had made it through the gate he ran towards it and jumped through, momentarily relieved as he landed on the hard floor and watched the gate shut off. Then his eyes fell on his team surrounded by the medical staff and relief turned to panic. He opened his eyes and shook his head, trying to shake away the still vivid memories.

The dark clouds finally reached the city and slowly small drops of water dropped. He felt the first few drops on his cheek and thought about going in but decided against it. The drops came faster and larger and he let the water wash over him, he didn't care if he got drenched, he hoped in some way it would help wash away the guilt.

He hung his head and felt the water drop on the back of his neck, as he involuntarily shivered. His team would be fine and Beckett had told him, as he kicked him out of the infirmary insisting that he should get some rest, that he would inform him as soon as they woke up. They would tell him that none of this had been his fault, that he couldn't have possibly known this was going to happen.

"Colonel?" came a static voice through his radio.

"Yeah, go ahead Doc," he answered hoarsely.

"They're awake."

"Thanks. I'm on my way."

He sighed and ran a hand through his wet hair and finally noticed how drenched he was as he looked down at his clothes and saw how they clung to his body and the water dripping at his feet. He was going to need to change or else he was going to get a lecture from Beckett, at least that would give him time to gain his composure and go back to his cheery self for the benefit of his team. They didn't need to know that he had been beating himself up about the whole situation. He slowly made his way back inside hoping that the pain and guilt would stay hidden behind the wall that he had worked so hard to build.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it and reviews are appreciated. :)<em>


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